Dylan Mulvaney is the twink who doesn’t need introducing.
Contains spoilers throughout.
Introduction
That said, we could do with a little recap. Dylan Mulvaney (27) shot to fame in the pandemic with his frankly ridick Days of Girlhood Tiktoks. Since then he has enjoyed partnerships with major corporations, including Nike (sports bra), Kitchen Aid (food processor) and a number of others. It all ran out of steam though when Bud Light disastrously failed to get in on a piece of the action, – the brand still hasn’t quite recovered, nor has Mulvaney.
More importantly though, Mulvaney famously publicly met with President Biden to talk about ‘trans rights’, in which Biden stated that men should have the right to use women’s toilet and that the sterilisation of children is basically a good thing. Mulvaney, who is so gay, agrees. Vice President Kamala Harris sent Mulvaney a ‘first birthday card’ on the advent of him ‘living as a girl’ for 365 days (see here – warning, link opens from a Pink News article).
More interesting though is Dylan Mulvaney’s history before he became ‘trans’, having a run in The Book of Mormon as Elder White in 2019. His Wikipedia entry hints that he comes from a moneyed background, his grandfather being an investment banker, growing up in upscale neighbourhoods in San Diego and educated at a private Catholic school.
And an appearance on The Price Is Right in 2020, reveals his utter desperation for fame. It is also worth noting that his attention grabbing behaviour in role as ‘screaming nelly’ is literally no different from his ‘dumb girl’ act – both being completely outdated (though admittedly quite funny in a clownish way).
So given Mulvaney does have a musical theatre background and a seeming inability to experience embarrassment, we suspected the show might be quite funny …
Glad handing
It was no surprise to find Dylan working the room as we entered, saying hi to everybody, selfies a go-go, dressed in his first costume – an angel with wings. We were even greeted and found his hand limp and cold, a bit like a dead fish. Prattling away ten to the dozen, we’re pretty sure that Dylan was covering for nerves. The audience was much older than we imagined they would be, mainly women, though it has to be said a fair few gay men were in the house.
Yes, he was very funny
If we were strictly here to review Dylan’s talents as a comedic performer, we’d probably say quite a few nice things. As we already all know, he’s the all-dancing all-singing kooky goofball. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We need to talk about Dylan. A man, who for fifteen minutes pretended he was transitioning, wrongly boarded a unstoppable train, which he now can’t get off. This show is a partial attempt to slow down that train so that he can jump off without breaking limbs.
Celebrity cameos
The show revolves around Dylan conversations with God and other characters. Alan Cumming and Alok Vaid-Menon appear in voiceover cameo, as a priest and his own conscience respectively. This, and other clever character inserts, many of which play out on a TV screen (from the audience reaction, clearly some were celebrities) cleverly fill out the play. This allows Dylan to explain his life story. The conversations with God also squarely frame the issue of his alleged transgender identity/gender dysphoria as innate, being ‘assigned’ to the wrong body.
Dylan’s mom
Dylan’s mother also looms large; a scapegoat for his criticism (well, she is a middle aged woman after all), as does the Catholic Church.
When Dylan does the voice of the mom character, he just made his voice go a few notes higher. In fact, because of his vocal flexibility, Dylan easily switched between doing male characters with deep voices (presumably one of which was his own voice) and that of the female characters, including his current public-facing one.
So mom is against gender-affirming care. Given the piece was supposedly loosely autobiographical, we believe the suggestion is that Dylan had symptoms of gender dysphoria when he was much younger. In any case, the words ‘gender affirming healthcare’ are uttered in relation to a ?four year old Dylan. The doctor mom consults with works at CostCo (a sleight at mom’s cheapness, not the cheapness of the Webberleys of this world), who recommends ‘social transition until puberty’ at which point a ‘supplement’ can be considered. So Dylan gets a prescription of Twink. Twink carries some side effects though; addiction to gossip, a fondness for middle-aged women (we didn’t feel it ourselves) and a limpness in the trapezoids [sic] – Where is that? Dylan asks. The wrists, mam. (You might be forgiven for thinking that Dylan was born in the 70s, when in fact he is a Millennial.)
We also learn that mom has nil problem with Dylan being gay and hangs out with terfy friends. However, she is a bleach blonde, fat, married five times, likes wearing socks with flip flops and a cause of embarrassment to little Dylan (we suspect the likelihood of Mama Mulvaney being any of these things is close to nil, probably the exact opposite). Dylan seeks a DNA test and it comes back positive, so mom gets a conservatorship over him for two more years (a point completely incongruent with the characterisation of her as white trash). Later we learn mom cut all ties with Dylan since his coming out as trans.
Running round with little on
To prove just how dysphoric he is, Dylan disrobed and walked around unabashedly in a bra (couldn’t work out if he had small chicken fillet inserts or breast implants) and a pair of bikini cut briefs, i.e. bulge on full display, a number of times.
Wanting straight men
There is a lot of heavy handed talk about sin and the Catholic Church which didn’t really sit that well next to his obvious embracement of being a twink. I did look up his school online and it does look a serious Catholic affair.
Like a lot of gay men, Dylan the twink, wanted the attention and love of a straight man. He recounts a scene where he and a straight boy he liked had some intimacy. Dylan isn’t able to deal with the man touching his genitals, so Dylan does him instead. The next day the straight boy ignores him. In ballet class. The mention of serious relationships are notable by their absence.
Stops taking Twink
And then Covid hit and he stopped taking Twink. This is where Dylan’s real story begins in the play, since in that long pause, where many of our lives suddenly shifted to online spaces, was where Dylan Mulvaney, the media personality, was born.
Covid 19 isn’t the only pandemic sweeping the nation. Twinks across the globe are missing in action. A large group of twinks mysteriously vanished after attending a Kim Petras concert.
Dylan Mulvaney playing a newsreader in FagHag
Dylan, of course, was one of the those, missing in action. This is when trans activist Alok pops up as Dylan’s consciousness to tell him that he’s actually off the binary and non-binary. However, Dylan has the feeling that he is really a woman, but wants the pronouns she/they. Alok gives his blessing. Dylan mentions his coming out video and jokes it was cringe due to him being on the Millennial cusp (interestingly the audio is now disabled, clearly there is something on it he doesn’t want easily accessed).
Message to terfs
Via the conceit of an interview on a TV show, Dylan’s message to us is that he is no threat to women, he’s just a gay man, raised Catholic in a conservative home. He also isn’t an activist, just an ordinary trans person living their life, who happened to become famous. The Woman of the Year Award he was given, was just that. An unwanted unsolicited accolade.
The advertising deals which came his way, weren’t lucrative opportunities but capitalist subjugation. The contracts forbade him from swearing and socialising with other members of the queer community (the bit about the swearing is probably true but likely also standard).
The meeting with President Biden also was unsought, he claims, and felt he couldn’t say no (our guess is that it was probably lobbied for by an organisation like the HRC, who saw an opportunity of exploiting Dylan at the zenith of his fame).
Anyway, Dylan’s best friend Lily, convinces him to met her at a gay bar, explicitly forbidden under the contract Dylan’s holds with one of the corps. So he goes to the gay bar and a gay guy there sees him as a real woman. ‘Gay people are fucking amazing,’ shouts our Little Dylan, buttering his own bread.
Dylan touches on the Bud Light debacle. I rewatched the ad, which actually isn’t that awful (comparatively speaking), but coming as it after his 365th day of being a girl, I think everybody had just had enough already. And eek! that PR disaster came hot on the heels of Dylan being seen grinding Ariana Grande’s brother! Dylan blames his best friend, an ignorant slutty cis woman, for taking him to the gay bar in the first place. (Sigh.)
Cue appearance of mad trans woman
Dylan Mulvaney?
Hello?
You are being served?
Served what?
Cunt.
Dialogue from FagHag between Dylan and Coach Cunt
I don’t know the name of the fat black trans-identified male with a lazy eye who appeared in the segment playing Coach Cunt, but I’m pretty sure I did a webinar with him during the pandemic. His job was to play your stereotypical batshit trans activist (or, if you’re on the other side, a sassy truth-telling black trans woman) which he managed in spades. Misogynistic swears and liberal use of the N-word in free fall, it shows just how little liberal audiences really care about taboo language. When delivered by the right person that is.
Final act
In the final act Dylan phones his mom. They haven’t spoken in a long time. The beer deal has gone tits-up because too many women are making horrible comments under Dylan’s posts (pretty sure the backlash came from male Bud Light drinkers, who didn’t like the brand association). These ‘horrible comments’ were that Dylan is a man, cosplays as a woman and is a child predator. Mom reassures him she knows he would never hurt a child but also points out that he has an agenda and that scaling back on some the stereotypes he perpetrates might work in his favour.
Dylan faces the audience and tells us that he has never felt closer to God since transition but admits things got out of control. Dylan sings a song and God, who previously abandoned him, returns to tell him he’s just a faggot. Yep, you heard that correctly. God, in the style of the Wizard of Oz, has a special gift to give to Dylan though. Nuance. If Dylan takes Nuance, he can be a twink, who also happens to be a woman! Makes sense? (Only if you’re a queer theorist.)
But what about all those folks who don’t believe I’m a woman, asks Dylan. Well, if you have nuance, God tells him, it makes those who don’t, easier to tolerate. (Genuine LOL from us on that one.)
Final song
I am a woman, put into a gay man’s body, who was born a man, but was actually supposed to be a woman, even though she was a man. Who is gay but is still a woman who is straight and also sometimes gay. I am a woman!
Dylan’s closing refrain
Dylan ties up the ends of the various stories: mom marries a lesbian, the best friend also takes Nuance so becomes a bit easier to cope with, he wonders if terfs (who still make trans people lives hell) just lost their gay best friends to transness. He also realises that he is not the best spokesperson for the trans community and might as well be a ‘flamboyant fairy faggot fuck fairy because nothing will be ever be enough for those fuckers’ (though he did at least experience a bit of mortification delivering the first bit of that dialogue, either that, or there were one too many Fs for him to deal with). Cue audience applause and a repeat of the song above.
We Need To Talk About Dylan
The internalised homophobia was so rampant, we’re not even going to comment on it, save for the fact that there may be young boys who look up to him. As we said up-front, Dylan is now boxed-in but wants to inch away from the woman-stuff, but how do you do that after you told everyone ad nauseam that you are one? He can’t just say that he’s a drag queen, or just a gay man playing on stereotype, as trans-identified males, like Coach Cunt, would go full throttle for him and he knows it. Instead Dylan is in purgatory, doomed to spend the rest of his days wandering this earth with the lie that he told.
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The Lies They Tell 
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