Oh, a pun on a sexual act, how very translady-like.
That’s it. That’s the last student play I’m ever seeing. To think, the technician had to sit through several performances of this. That’s stamina. Oh, it had it all, terrible acting, dimwitted script, jokes which didn’t land. Willow McDonald’s performance was reminiscent of an early Rik Mayall, but minus any trace of comedic edge or irony, and unfortunately coupled with a naturally gormless face (see below). The playwright is also a trans-identified male.
The blurby bit
The performance
Opening premise
It starts with Emily’s first time of being called ‘Miss’ after knocking a woman’s drink over. He’s ecstatic to be ‘patronised, demeaned’, especially by a woman. Women have never spoken to him like this before! He doesn’t think of himself as a woman though, oh no. He’s a queer man. And just likes wearing make-up. It’s just gender-fuck man and he’s still a guy.
A bunch of terfs once ruined *Pride for Emily, which was really very stupid of them, lying down in the street. How lazy! ‘Read this you sick fuck!’ said an ‘orrible terf, stuffing a flyer into his mit. Emily doesn’t even say that he’s a woman though! He’s just a queer man, so there. He’s not claiming to be a woman! He’s identifying as a man who is just dressed as woman! Which is what you think a trans woman is anyway, but he’s not one of those. He’s just a queer man. So there!
* Incidentally, as I sat down to write this blog I saw that a bunch of ‘fucking trannies’ had counter protested the Lesbian Strength Rally in Leeds.
Greggs
Most laughable though was the depiction of working in a Greggs, with the manager behaving in an unbelievably loutish and rabidly prejudicial way towards customers, joking about the female customers he’d like to rape. Is this, perhaps, how the writer thinks people in service jobs behave? Or just creating an excuse to air a bit of extreme misogyny? I honestly couldn’t tell. Customers also said daft things like: ‘What’s in a cheese and onion bake?’ giving Emily a chance to tell them to ‘fuck off’. And they do. Just like that. Don’t argue back or anything. Not the general public I have come to know and love.
Harpies & simps
It’s difficult to be sure, due to the lack of acting skills, but I think the two supporting handmaidens – sorry, actresses depicted several characters, both male and female. All of the female characters behaved like harpies, screeching at Emily for misdemeanours, or else simps. Either way, they were just there for the actor to bounce off. The harpies all had shrill shouty voices to indicate how incredibly shallow their opinions/behaviour were, whereas the simps all evinced ‘okay, yah, whatever you want’ to Emily’s suggestions, including a housemate delaying the writing of an important essay to go clothes shopping with Emily. Later she begs him to stop being so possessive. It’s almost as if the writer (who has a PhD in Creative Writing, by the way) was trying to tell us something.
‘Call me Emily, just one of you, please …‘
… said ‘Emily’, with an imploring look to his audience. I don’t think we learnt what his ‘deadname’ was, so the plea didn’t really make sense, as we were already calling him ‘Emily’ in our heads (though it was ‘useless tosser’ in mine).
Twansphobia
Poor Emily is on a twelve year waiting list to be seen in a gender identity clinic and only his GP and best friend knows he is trans. He needs the best friend, Sarah, to be confident in his femininity. A trans woman comes into the Greggs too, for a steakbake and sausage roll, wearing a regency era dress. Literally made me think of this.
After the trans woman leaves the shop, the Greggs manager makes a joke that he ‘wouldn’t rape it’ and forces Emily to tell twansphobic jokes too!
Of course, twansphobia isn’t just in the workplace but it is on the dating apps too! And the apps are full of chasers, which is twansphobic too! Do you see? Cue a number of lewd sexual references, screeched so loudly by the chasers it wasn’t possible to understand completely, but we caught enough to get the drift. However, this was all to Emily’s chagrin as he isn’t just a pretty face you know! He has a personality! Don’t turn him into a sexual fetish! Even though he clearly wants you to cum all over him!
Being upstaged … by a baby
Emily was first upstaged when he was seven years old, when a neighbour gave birth to her baby. (Cue one of the actresses to wah-wah, like a baby.) Guess what? The neighbour was more interested in her own offspring than the lump of lard what lived next door!
‘What the fuck?!’ cried Emily meaningfully. However, he wasn’t going to let the little ‘nappy shitter, steal my thunder ever again!’ But when that little baby, got to a big baby, she came out as trans! Before Emily did!
That’s like being upstaged twice! If my abacus is working correctly.
Note to Reader: This was a real actual plot point in the play, not me taking the piss, okay? It’s also fair to say that ‘Emily’ would easily be upstaged by a fart on a windy day.
Important note from your trans archivist
As per usual, I will repeat: I don’t go and see this stuff just so I can tell you all how terrible and inane, and, in the case of this play, with no redeeming features. I am a trans archivist and the archive is showing that whenever a trans-identified male creates a piece of art (I do use the term very loosely in this case) you will be sure to find the following (in no particular order):
- Objectification and pornification of women.
- Illogical arguments making the case for gender identity.
- Hatred of women who question the same.
- Explicit sexual references which weren’t necessary.
- Evidence of interest in sissyfication.
- Storylines which hint at mental illness.
- Zero apparent awareness of world outside cult.
- Rabid classism.
- Evidence of believing in own moral superiority.
- Using the form to justify the crossing of normal personal boundaries.
Why are these men so identical?
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The Lies They Tell 
I can’t believe that I had the stamina to read about a play that you had the stamina to see.
Bravo, Lies They Tell!
You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din.
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