Jordan Gray’s difficult second album …
The blurby bit
‘Cockiest woman in comedy’, ‘her ballbag’, ‘ballistic … tits’. That feels like enough already to be honest. We could have just left it there. However, we go where others fear to tread. It’s a public service.
A bit of background
We all remember that little Jordan waved his c*ck at us on a live C4 programme but did you also know he was great mates with convicted paedophile rapist Stephen Ireland? No? Well you do now. Moving on!
The material
1. He has a c*ck.
Mentioned (directly or indirectly) no fewer than 33 times, thus a rate of once every two minutes. Also, he can’t do sport (i.e. the equivalent of the jar-opening meme), so it’s pointless stopping men from competing in women’s sports! Someone told him once that he can’t be a woman because he wasn’t born with tits! Guess who else ain’t born with tits!? That’s right! Babies! He also wants to take his cock home in a jar, at some point, so that he can fuck himself (we’d rather he choke on it personally).
2. Having a difficult second album.
Apparent throughout, as he hobbled from limp-cock to hackneyed gag. For example, he poked fun at people who told you about their dreams, a joke first made funny by The Diary of the Nobody, published in 1892, and probably stolen off a music hall act well before that.
3. Reflecting on alleged death threats (hence the title).
Gray muddled his words so many times when he got to this bit, it was almost like it was a completely made-up story just to get a bit of attention and fill up a bit of time in an already over-stretched show. The threat was apparently sent via Instagram (rather than personal email, agent or even front door, for that matter) that: ‘If I ever see you, your [sic] dead.’ We were supposed to believe that Gray thought this a credible death threat and this show his way of unpicking how it had affected his life, though he didn’t give any examples to illustrate this, just kept on mentioning his dick. Oh no sorry, he did: When he did his show at the Palladium, he genuinely had to google if bullets went through silicone breasts implants. His biggest hope, if someone did shoot him dead, was that it would be on live TV, so we would all get to see him ‘bleeding from a hole he never asked for.’ (We’d love to see it Jordan, we really would.)
At the end he sang a special song just for himself and the trans people in the room, proving that the self-pity was real. We genuinely didn’t laugh much at all (did not pass the six laugh test) and the only fresh-sounding comedy was when he riffed off a bad review in The Times. Jordan, we hope this one is of service too; for the sake of the audience.
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The Lies They Tell 
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